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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29312382">The Opposite of Love is Indifference</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hideeho/pseuds/hideeho'>hideeho</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>And rightfully so, Because of course he is, Buck has a lot of emotions, Coda for 4x04, Eddie is there for him, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:53:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,205</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29312382</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hideeho/pseuds/hideeho</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Turns out I could use some more therapy. Only, well-”</p>
<p>“Diaz therapy."</p>
<p>After the events of episode 4x04, Buck heads to Eddie's house to decompress.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>652</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Opposite of Love is Indifference</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A big thank you to Jill for looking this over for me after ranting at her about it. I adore you!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Turns out I could use some more therapy. Only, well—”</p>
<p>“Diaz therapy,” Eddie says knowingly, opening the door wider to let him in. It’s too late to be stopping by. Buck didn’t even realize he was coming here until he was already parked out front. He thought about turning around, going home and forgetting this day ever happened, but if he went home he’d spend all night dissecting his life, uncovering every lie and omission. It’s a lonely way to pass the time and he’s so fucking tired of always feeling alone. </p>
<p>It was easier to get out of the car, knock on the door and pray he wouldn’t be turned away. </p>
<p>“Chris is already asleep so we’ll have to be quieter than usual, but grab yourself a drink while I get this thing set up,” Eddie offers, untangling the cords of the gaming console. </p>
<p>“And risk Hildy watching your every move?”</p>
<p>“I’ve been quoting a lot of Terminator in case she gets any ideas,” Eddie responds with a smirk. “We have an understanding.” </p>
<p>Buck allows himself a small chuckle, pulling two beers out of the fridge before settling on the couch. He feels a cord of tension loosen, his mind still tense but feeling a little less like he might snap at any second. </p>
<p>“Want to talk about it?”</p>
<p>“No,” Buck declares flatly, punching at the controller far more aggressively than was absolutely necessary.  They go a few rounds on screen and he waits for his mind to clear, to get lost in the blissful oblivion of the game. Only his mind won’t stop whirling, he can’t stop thinking about everything he doesn’t want to think about. </p>
<p>He loses three games in a row. </p>
<p>Eddie doesn’t gloat and that somehow makes it worse. </p>
<p>“Growing up it was like I was there, but they never saw me, you know? I thought...I thought if I just tried hard enough, if I could just be perfect enough that they’d be proud of me. Hell, that they’d even <i>notice</i> me.I tried so hard to be who I thought they wanted me to be, but nothing I did was ever...It was never…”</p>
<p>“Good enough.” Eddie offers knowingly, setting his controller on his lap, the game momentarily forgotten. </p>
<p>“Yeah, never good enough. So then I thought, well fuck it. Bad attention was better than no attention, right? Maybe I could never be perfect, but being a fuck up was a hell of a lot easier and more fun. So I acted out. I got into trouble. I thought finally, <i>finally</i>, they’d have to notice me, but nope. <i>Nothing</i>. Vague disappointment, if I was lucky, but mostly just indifference. They couldn’t even be bothered enough to be mad or upset. At least if they were angry it would mean they bothered enough to care,” Buck spits bitterly. </p>
<p>Instead he spent his whole life wondering what was wrong with him that the two people in the world who were supposed to love him the most didn't even care if he was there. Wondering why it was so easy for Maddie to leave him. For Abby. For all those girls and boys that left his bed before morning without even pretending to ask for his number. </p>
<p>Eddie sits there beside him, waiting but not prying. He doesn’t offer any hollow words to patch over what he’s feeling, he’s just <i>there</i>. As if he knows that’s all he’s ever really needed. So why couldn’t his parents? </p>
<p>“I’ve spent my whole life trying to fill a void no one even bothered to tell me existed,” Buck says softly, wincing at the crack in his voice. “I spent my whole life wondering what was wrong with me that makes me so hard to love.” </p>
<p>“Hey,” Eddie interrupts intently, moving so their knees are pressed together, his palm a solid weight against Buck’s cheek. Buck wants to look away, but Eddie’s hand keeps him from turning his head. Instead, he’s forced to look straight on as brown eyes peer intently into his own. “There is no one in this world easier to love than you, do you understand me? I don’t know what happened tonight, but I know you. Whatever is going on with your parents is <i>not</i> your fault, you got me?”</p>
<p>No, not really. </p>
<p>“I just want someone to see me.”</p>
<p>“I see you, Buck,” Eddie insists, pulling him down so his back is pressed flush against Eddie’s chest, strong arms wrapping around him. “I see you.”</p>
<p>He sinks into Eddie’s hold, his head resting against the warmth of Eddie’s shoulder and feeling the rise and fall of Eddie's chest against his back. He must imagine the soft press of lips to the top of his head, but whatever it is it feels nice. Safe. </p>
<p>“I know they had their reasons—”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to make excuses for them, Buck,” Eddie points out, trying for gentle and just missing the mark. “Parents do shitty things all the time. If they’re not willing to apologize, if they’re not willing to learn from their mistakes and put in the work to make it right that’s on them. Their choices aren’t a reflection of you.”</p>
<p>“Learn that in therapy,” Buck asks teasingly, angling his head to see Eddie’s face. </p>
<p>“Maybe,” Eddie admits, lips quirking up in a smile. “It’s their job to love you. It’s not your job to make them.”</p>
<p>“But what if they don’t?”</p>
<p>“Then you find family that does. You have family, Buck. Maddie. The 118. Hell, your crayon portrait is on the fridge. If you don’t think that makes you family then I don’t know what to tell you.”</p>
<p>Something settles between them; a soft and unspoken maybe. </p>
<p>“You really think I’m easy to love?”</p>
<p>He watches the bob of Eddie’s adam’s apple as he swallows, his eyes darting off before slowly returning to meet Buck’s gaze. “Yeah, Buck, I do.”</p>
<p>“And to stay in love?”</p>
<p>“That too.” </p>
<p>He pushes himself up, lips softly parted as he seeks to close the distance, only pausing as Eddie pulls back ever so slightly. </p>
<p>“We’ll have our moment, Buck, but not when you’re hurting and needing to prove a point,” Eddie says softly, looking as if it’s causing him actual pain to say it. He eases the sting of his words by rubbing a gentle circle against Buck’s birthmark with the pad of his thumb. “Stay here tonight. We’ll fall asleep on the couch, you’ll laugh at me in the morning when I can barely move. Chris will tell you all about his new obsession with volcanos.” </p>
<p>“I won’t be in the way?” Because he still needs to make sure, because two decades of feeling like he was intruding doesn’t go away in a day. </p>
<p>“I want you here, Buck. You’re my family.” Eddie pulls the blanket down from the back of the couch, fighting to wrap it around Buck with one arm, his other arm still gently wrapped around Buck. They settle in as Eddie switches the tv over to some murder mystery. </p>
<p>Buck relaxes into his hold, Eddie’s warm strength behind him and the blanket tucked underneath his chin. It smells distinctly of the Diaz house and popcorn. It smells like home.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading! Notes and comments are always appreciated!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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